


Jack cooks.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-07
Updated: 2012-03-07
Packaged: 2017-11-01 14:42:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/357992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anyone who has read "Jack Sings" will know what to expect here. Crack and daft.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jack cooks.

**Author's Note:**

> Ianto is injured so Jack decides to look after him.

Ianto had always known that Jack couldn't cook. However, when he broke his left leg in the car parking area of the local Tesco Store he discovered Jack's true lack of expertise in the kitchen. It was, in fact, all Jack's fault that Ianto had a broken leg anyhow. He was admiring Jack's rear when a runaway shopping trolley, or cart as Jack insisted on calling it, knocked him down and ran over his leg. It was full of shopping at the time.

When Ianto was finally back at his home, complete with a plaster and crutches, Jack assured him that he would stay with him and cook. Ianto always became anxious when Jack said he was going to cook. He couldn't help remembering the times when Jack had set fire to his kitchen.

Anyhow, Ianto had to rest and the first night he was home Jack went out and came home with a Chinese takeaway. It was still hot so it didn't have to be heated, which was a great relief to Ianto and which fact enabled him to have a fairly good nights sleep, enlivened by Jack's snoring.

Ianto was awakened the next morning by the sound of his smoke alarm. He sat up in bed and was about to get up when the alarm stopped. The next moment Jack came hurrying in looking somewhat flushed but evidently unharmed.

"What have you done?" Ianto asked, trying to remain calm.

"It was just an oven mitt" said Jack "it's OK though, you have another one."

Lucky I have more than one, thought Ianto. He didn't ask what Jack had burned. He really didn't want to know. He closed his eyes and the next moment, or rather an hour and a half later by the clock, he opened them again as Jack came back into the bedroom.

"Breakfast" Jack announced.

Ianto struggled into a sitting position as Jack put a tray on his knees. Ianto stared at what was on the tray. There was a mug of coffee, which looked quite drinkable, and two plates, plus a knife and fork and even a napkin. Ianto studied the larger plates contents with growing alarm. He poked at a yellowish, blackish, rubbery thing covering around a third of the plate.

"What's this?" he asked, at last.

"Egg" Jack answered promptly "try it. I've already had mine."

"What happened to it?" Ianto asked, trying without much success to cut a piece off the egg mass so he could taste it "and what are these black things poking out of it?"

"Onion" said Jack.

"Onion?" Ianto gasped, and with a mighty effort, managed to tear a piece off the mass. He put it into his mouth. It just tasted burned. It had no other recognizable flavor.

"I had a bit of trouble with the eggs" Jack explained, as Ianto bravely tried to chew "and I forgot that bit about heating the pan with fat, or whatever you said, so it all smoked a bit, and the pan caught fire and the eggs stuck to it. I put it out right away though."

Ianto gave a huge gulp and felt the egg mass bump down, bruising his insides on its way. Next to the egg were three pieces of what looked suspiciously like burned rope. Ianto picked one piece up in his fingers.

"Will you tell me what this is" he muttered "or do I have to guess?"

Jack looked slightly hurt. "It's bacon" he said "I've had some. It's great".

Ianto took a very tentative bite of the bacon. It promptly fell to pieces in his hand. He put a very small black piece in his mouth and swallowed quickly. It was revolting.

"What happened to it then?" he asked.

"It's fine!" Jack exclaimed "it has to be well cooked. I----well----I admit it is a bit overdone, but only a bit."

Ianto turned his attention to another item on his plate. This was a small heap of black things that bore a passing resemblance to baked beans. They even had a little red still showing on them. They were all stuck together rigidly though. Ianto poked at them with his fork. They refused to move.

Jack started to look somewhat embarrassed. "I had a lot of bother with those" he sighed "I couldn't cook them with the bacon and eggs because the pan was still too hot so I found a dear little pan with a lip on the side and put them in that."

"That's a milk pan" Ianto said, wondering if it was still usable "people used to boil milk in them before Microwaves. That's why they have a lip."

"So you don't use it anymore?" Jack asked "that's good."

"Why?" Ianto asked "what happened to it."

"Well" Jack muttered slowly "the beans stuck to the bottom so I got a knife and tried to loosen them and --erm--everything got very hot and the bottom fell out of the pan and the beans kind of----er---fell out though the hole onto the top of your Stove and they stuck there. I managed to get the pan off by hitting it with a hammer and then I tried to get the beans off. I used that thing you have that you use for lettuce but it melted and made a terrible mess and smell. I had to open all the windows and then I taped two of your wooden spoons together and used them. They're a bit singed but they're still usable. Anyhow, I couldn't get the beans off so I got that long knife that you cut bread with and I cut my arm. I think I hit an artery. You should have seen it spurt, it was amazing. I had to put pressure on it and I used that shirt that you like, the blue one. It was the first thing I could grab because there was blood everywhere, even on the ceiling. Then I got the first aid kit and bandaged myself. I did a good job there because I've had plenty of practice. Then I went back to scraping the beans off your Stove and managed to get them off. I had to clean the kitchen up because of the blood. I think some went on the beans. I couldn't do the ceiling so it's still a bit bloody."

Ianto was so stunned by Jack's bean cooking exploits he couldn't speak. He just grunted and wondered how much a new cooker would cost.

"Anyhow" Jack continued, relieved that Ianto seemed to be taking his story so calmly "then I decided to do some fries. I couldn't find any in your freezer so I peeled some potatoes and made my own."

Ianto gazed at the last unidentified things on his plate. They did indeed look slightly like fries. They were weird shapes and had odd red blotches but they actually resembled food. "What are the red patches?" he asked, as he picked one up.

"Blood" Jack answered "I must have missed some when I was cleaning."

Ianto groaned and turned his attention to the second plate. There were two slices of what looked like bread covered in some unidentifiable yellowish stuff and topped with some squashed green things and on top of that some black stuff that looked a bit like treacle. "Toast?" he said, hopefully.

"I couldn't get the toaster to work" Jack said, looking a bit worried "so I hit the plug with the hammer to make sure it was in properly and it burst into flames. so you've just got bread."

"What's this on it?" Ianto asked.

"It's that stuff you like" Jack said, suddenly cheerful again "Philadelphia. It was very cold straight out of the refrigerator so I put it in the Microwave for a minute or two. It stuck to the plate but I got it off."

Ianto picked a green thing off the bread. "What are these?" he asked.

"Grapes" Jack said "they fell on the floor and I trod on some of them but you're supposed to tread on grapes aren't you?" he laughed.

"What's this black stuff?" asked Ianto, sighing heavily.

"Treacle" Jack replied " try it Ianto, it's delicious." He picked up a piece of bread and took a bite out of it to prove to Ianto just how tasty it really was.

"I'm not really very hungry, Jack" Ianto told him, wondering how he was going to survive Jack's attempts to feed him.

Jack looked quite worried at this news and dropped his bread with evident shock. He moved the tray onto the floor and lay down beside Ianto on the bed. "Is it your leg?" he asked.

"It's fine" said Ianto "I'll get up later and eat then. I'll just sleep a bit more for now."

Jack got up and retrieved the tray from the floor. He studied it, looking concerned. "I seem to have lost a slice of bread" he told Ianto "can you see it anyplace?"

Ianto looked around. "No" he said "don't worry. It's probably on the floor."

Jack turned and went toward the door carrying the tray. "Have a good rest" he said "then I'll cook you something exciting."

"I'll wait with anticipation" said Ianto. As Jack left the room he lay back and wondered how long it would be before Jack found the missing piece of bread. Knowing Jack it would be some time, he thought, as the errant bread was stuck firmly to the back of his shirt.

 

The End.


End file.
